Act 1: Bah... no one likes to be left behind...
Act 2:... no one likes to believe that they're not left behind when they ARE.
A.3 : No one likes to try to fool themselves into believing that they're not being left behind when they KNOW that they are.
A.4: No one likes to try to fool themselves into thinking they've not been abandoned when they know that it's true and that they have themselves to blame for it.
For some reason... I'm in my room while my friends are out there having fun at some fun fair.
Feels like I'm back to square one. If the trend is anything to go by, I guess that the inevitable will collapse down onto yours truly in the close future.
I know...
that there'll come a day when all the wisps have left, leaving remnants of the past in snippets clustered around me.
Don't ask me why.. it just seem to me that things would turn out that way.
Today's paradox:
For everything that it's worth, why isn't it worth doing?
Then again, all that's hidden beneath the canopy might not be as complicated as it seems. There's no reason to blame society in general as you can only point the finger at yourself for being an idiot.
I need to jump off a cliff that has some extra safety cushion at the bottom so the people who jump wouldn't die. Better still, throw away the cliff and its fall-breaker. Despite the fact that the virtual-world setting practically defeats the purpose itself, someone should just invent a virtual cliff especially for temporary psychos like me to jump. (so that the normal part of us won't wake up to blame our psychotic alter-ego)
So while I'm jumping off edges into the bottomless abyss below (all virtual of course), I think it should be for the best that I master the technique of talking to oneself, eat take-outs 24/7 and bury myself in the avalanche of delusion.
I need divine intervention (or equivalent). Heck, I'd settle with an insy wincy epiphany.
Only problem's that epiphanies just don't jump out of thin air simply because you want them to. OHHH NO, you have to go through all that deliberation and even with that, you need a spark to get the train of thoughts rolling.
So what now?
I'll try to figure that out while I continue to swim aimlessly in this murky pool of shit.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hazards behind the wheel- dongui style
Last week, as I was making my weekly 40 minute drive to college, something quiwan-ish happened. I slept behind the wheel after stopping for a red light. One moment, I was staring blankly at the big-assed lorry inches from my front bumper, the next, I was drifting into a puffy pink cloud with lollipops and Ms Beckinsale and instant zit removal and a money tree and....
To a blaring of horns, I snapped out of the premature venture into dreamland. Luckily, I didn't fall asleep while I was cruising on the highway.
Well actually, another incident on the road which nearly ended in a mess of metal and flesh (>.<) was during the long semester break last year. As I just completed my 2 week plus "training" in Malacca, the road home was a considerably happy one. It was liberating to look forward to one month of total freedom. Another journey detail: Heavy eyelids. I practically slept during a fraction of 10 seconds on the highway while doing 130km/hour. I don't know how or what woke me, but it was enough to freak the hell out of me. I eventually stopped at the next resthouse to get 10 minutes of shut-eye before continuing my trip home.
*HONK HONK!! (3-4 cars simultaneously)*
To a blaring of horns, I snapped out of the premature venture into dreamland. Luckily, I didn't fall asleep while I was cruising on the highway.
Well actually, another incident on the road which nearly ended in a mess of metal and flesh (>.<) was during the long semester break last year. As I just completed my 2 week plus "training" in Malacca, the road home was a considerably happy one. It was liberating to look forward to one month of total freedom. Another journey detail: Heavy eyelids. I practically slept during a fraction of 10 seconds on the highway while doing 130km/hour. I don't know how or what woke me, but it was enough to freak the hell out of me. I eventually stopped at the next resthouse to get 10 minutes of shut-eye before continuing my trip home.
It was a close call... As close as it was in 2 other incidents which I refuse to give account to due to the nature of their occurrences.
I guess what I'm trying to imply here is that we should try to run by the basic rules such as buckling up and journey-planning. Remember the safety precautions we half-heartedly listened to during that 8-10 hour long lecture a long time ago? It may seem "uncool" to abide by them but people should realise that it's their lives (and others') that are on the line here.
Value life.
A near death experience may just be lurking outside your (car)door.
-This is a road-safety message to all road users courtesy of Quiwan and his fear of car accidents. DRIVE SAFE!-
Friday, May 16, 2008
Night-time line of thoughts
Ever had that strange feeling when you're near a fan that is spinning ferociously just inches away from your face? The feeling that comes in tandem with the muffled voice in your head that shouts for you to exemplify stupidity *of the highest order* as Mr M would add. (It just fascinates me that he's so attached to that phrase. I guess every one of us have phrases that we (somtimes unknowingly) "adopt" as our own favourite tagline to brandish whenever an opportunity arises. I find that reasons ranging from "thinking that this would sound cool" to "I just like the sound of it" are usually behind all this tag-line business.)
Crap, got sidetracked there.
Anyways, the muffled voice would tell you to do something stupid by, say... inching your hands towards the fast-rotating vanes in the attempt to finally feel what it's like to get intimate with a fan that's turned on.. Ohhh. it's gonna be quick AND nasty, not to mention messy too.
Sexual connotations aside, I usually let the train of thoughts run its course, ending with a slight flinch at the end when the picture of a fingerless hand/Handless arm comes to mind.
Then I wonder to myself, how often do people get their hands chopped off by a fan? Not often enough i suppose... since you don't see them appearing in newspapers. Heck, they are such a non-threat that children books teaching them about the dangers at home wouldn't even bother to mention it.
Another situation that bugs me is that when you're up on a multistory building and there's this balcony at the end. You lean on the balcony and look down. You feel (at least just a wee bit) intimidated by the height if you lean too much right? Well, I tend to go the extra mile by thinking about the eventualities that would unfold if I just push myself over. Picture the frightening fall... and..
*steps back from the balcony*
Weird huh?
Fortunately, this doesn't happen when my mind is preoccupied. which is usually the case these days.
No need to speak to a shrink vis-a-vis my mental health.
Common sense prevails (most of the time).
________________________________________________________________________
One day later...
I'm quite tired of bickering with people. Especially Big Mouth whose conviction is that every single fly has to be debated because it isn't the way things work in BM's world. No, really, he comes to a hair's breadth away from being categorized as an all-out bigot sometimes.
I tried a different approach- blending into the background. Not as effective as expected.
I'm not denying that what we do is fun.
...and stupid.
So when that concoction of emotions get bottled up like that, the product at the end of this equation ain't gonna look pretty. Most of the time, what comes out is actually a diluted wad of the original version generated in the head. It stings, even me, when the words are uttered.
Thing is, the ebb and flow of matters concerning this isn't one that gives the observer much chance of determining a pattern.
Okok, I'm not so far ahead myself. I may not be a high-nosed big-head, but constantly worrying about being one is mighty taxing. This, coming for someone who just chopped some weight off his head. Yes, I'm botak again. And I still find myself agitated or even fearing what others might think of me. What makes it worse is that I actually oppose to being an easily influenced empty head.
It makes you wonder what other calamities would strike next.
Anyways, to BM's credit, he pays his compensation through other channels, redeeming himself with values of open mindedness and honesty(despite it being point-blank).
Arguing is considerably entertaining when you're bored out of your minds and cobwebs are literally renting space in your head; it's not at all fun when you're strained.
For reasons that elude me, I am strained. Strained because of the pressure to perform
and because I finally made up my mind to go through the doorway that's been open for quite a while.
The door holds the key (go figure >.<). It's the entrance to a new room, wet paint and all... where space is in abundance.
It is also the exit, an escape from the clutches of whatever that's been holding me prisoner in my own dreamland, a chance to set myself free, finally.
Taking the plunge can be a little scary.
You just got to tell yourself that it's all in the head.. deformed or not.
Crap, got sidetracked there.
Anyways, the muffled voice would tell you to do something stupid by, say... inching your hands towards the fast-rotating vanes in the attempt to finally feel what it's like to get intimate with a fan that's turned on.. Ohhh. it's gonna be quick AND nasty, not to mention messy too.
Sexual connotations aside, I usually let the train of thoughts run its course, ending with a slight flinch at the end when the picture of a fingerless hand/Handless arm comes to mind.
Then I wonder to myself, how often do people get their hands chopped off by a fan? Not often enough i suppose... since you don't see them appearing in newspapers. Heck, they are such a non-threat that children books teaching them about the dangers at home wouldn't even bother to mention it.
Another situation that bugs me is that when you're up on a multistory building and there's this balcony at the end. You lean on the balcony and look down. You feel (at least just a wee bit) intimidated by the height if you lean too much right? Well, I tend to go the extra mile by thinking about the eventualities that would unfold if I just push myself over. Picture the frightening fall... and..
*steps back from the balcony*
Weird huh?
Fortunately, this doesn't happen when my mind is preoccupied. which is usually the case these days.
No need to speak to a shrink vis-a-vis my mental health.
Common sense prevails (most of the time).
________________________________________________________________________
One day later...
I'm quite tired of bickering with people. Especially Big Mouth whose conviction is that every single fly has to be debated because it isn't the way things work in BM's world. No, really, he comes to a hair's breadth away from being categorized as an all-out bigot sometimes.
I tried a different approach- blending into the background. Not as effective as expected.
I'm not denying that what we do is fun.
...and stupid.
So when that concoction of emotions get bottled up like that, the product at the end of this equation ain't gonna look pretty. Most of the time, what comes out is actually a diluted wad of the original version generated in the head. It stings, even me, when the words are uttered.
Thing is, the ebb and flow of matters concerning this isn't one that gives the observer much chance of determining a pattern.
Okok, I'm not so far ahead myself. I may not be a high-nosed big-head, but constantly worrying about being one is mighty taxing. This, coming for someone who just chopped some weight off his head. Yes, I'm botak again. And I still find myself agitated or even fearing what others might think of me. What makes it worse is that I actually oppose to being an easily influenced empty head.
It makes you wonder what other calamities would strike next.
Anyways, to BM's credit, he pays his compensation through other channels, redeeming himself with values of open mindedness and honesty(despite it being point-blank).
Arguing is considerably entertaining when you're bored out of your minds and cobwebs are literally renting space in your head; it's not at all fun when you're strained.
For reasons that elude me, I am strained. Strained because of the pressure to perform
and because I finally made up my mind to go through the doorway that's been open for quite a while.
The door holds the key (go figure >.<). It's the entrance to a new room, wet paint and all... where space is in abundance.
It is also the exit, an escape from the clutches of whatever that's been holding me prisoner in my own dreamland, a chance to set myself free, finally.
Taking the plunge can be a little scary.
You just got to tell yourself that it's all in the head.. deformed or not.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Flickers at home
Observing politics in Malaysia has become a very depressing business nowadays.
1st, you have to deal with the opposition's ineptness in answering questions or making announcements, usually resulting in the MSM (Mainstream media) mauling them by utilizing their own words (or misquoting them, whichever is convenient).
1st, you have to deal with the opposition's ineptness in answering questions or making announcements, usually resulting in the MSM (Mainstream media) mauling them by utilizing their own words (or misquoting them, whichever is convenient).
Then there's the brick wall that's as thick as the skin of [insert any asshole's name you know]'s face. The wall refers to that undying blockade in Malaysians' minds regarding the simplest of issues. It seems that we just aren't able to cross that invisible line fringing the borders.. Borders that draw the line between a matured, civilized society and one that is still lingering on past doubts. THIS deprives us from the essential meaning of Unity.
If you're an observant political blog-hopper, I bet you've come across RPK's post about the difference between the people in the US and the people here. If you do not have an inkling of what I'm saying, don't fret, as it just proves that you're normal (unlike someone who has nothing better to do here).
What was said goes along the lines of "the people of the US and the people in Malaysia are racists... the only difference is that they aren't hypocrites like us; they don't bother to hide it". What it SAYS is that we're all racial bastards(and bitches).
As much as I admire that particular viewpoint's creativity, I do not fully agree with it. What is present in that point of view are bits of pieces of truth. One big chunk of it remains in murky grey areas where I myself wish to explore in the future.
Unity, I suppose, differs in the mind of the nationwide populace. Does it mean that we are "at it" when the top politicians are representing each major group of people? Does UNITY mean the unknowing familiarity and understanding we share for each other?
Does tolerance in the most forced sort of way count?
I think the day we achieve Unity is the day we satisfy the benchmark of being able to sit together over a cup of teh tarik and share a common vision (without the insufferable background checks).
To achieve that, barriers have to be torn down. Old mindsets have to be altered.
I have no idea how we're going to do that. (yeah, that's how much faith I have in 'us')
At least there are still those who know the way.. lighting the path with a dim flickering torch.
On my thoughts of his(RPK's) posts:
Well, he gives me the impression of one who is blunt and brave and perhaps a tad too reckless. He can be witty, fiercely sarcastic and strong in his messages. I must admit though that I only take some of his more radical posts with a grain of salt. But then again... it makes you ponder on the possibilities. Heck, for all the filtered feeds we get, he might just be right.
Just a little piece of pie I thought I'd share.
If you're an observant political blog-hopper, I bet you've come across RPK's post about the difference between the people in the US and the people here. If you do not have an inkling of what I'm saying, don't fret, as it just proves that you're normal (unlike someone who has nothing better to do here).
What was said goes along the lines of "the people of the US and the people in Malaysia are racists... the only difference is that they aren't hypocrites like us; they don't bother to hide it". What it SAYS is that we're all racial bastards(and bitches).
As much as I admire that particular viewpoint's creativity, I do not fully agree with it. What is present in that point of view are bits of pieces of truth. One big chunk of it remains in murky grey areas where I myself wish to explore in the future.
Unity, I suppose, differs in the mind of the nationwide populace. Does it mean that we are "at it" when the top politicians are representing each major group of people? Does UNITY mean the unknowing familiarity and understanding we share for each other?
Does tolerance in the most forced sort of way count?
I think the day we achieve Unity is the day we satisfy the benchmark of being able to sit together over a cup of teh tarik and share a common vision (without the insufferable background checks).
To achieve that, barriers have to be torn down. Old mindsets have to be altered.
I have no idea how we're going to do that. (yeah, that's how much faith I have in 'us')
At least there are still those who know the way.. lighting the path with a dim flickering torch.
On my thoughts of his(RPK's) posts:
Well, he gives me the impression of one who is blunt and brave and perhaps a tad too reckless. He can be witty, fiercely sarcastic and strong in his messages. I must admit though that I only take some of his more radical posts with a grain of salt. But then again... it makes you ponder on the possibilities. Heck, for all the filtered feeds we get, he might just be right.
Just a little piece of pie I thought I'd share.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Last semester on home ground
1st week of my last semester here is coming to a close.
Generally, the 5 days have been fairly relaxed. The lecturers are warming up to us, Mr M is as horny as ever, YM is self-praising again, *klok* shen lost his jersey (updated: AND shoes, just this morning), ass is still an ass, the flame is still burning, and my horrible haircut has officially been awarded the "Disaster" title.
Lots of people say things about studying here. Especially on the lack of entertainment outlets.
Yes, that is in a way, true as I am proud to point out that the closest mall equipped with a proper cinema is in Putrajaya's Alamanda. Then again, if you work out the math...
Inti, Nilai- Alamanda = 20 mins
Home- closest movie theatre = 20mins.
Home- movie theatres in KL that we usually go for a sit-in = 35mins
Entertainment isn't THAT far away.
Besides that, the distance just gives us the perfect excuse to save petrol, time and energy while indulging ourselves in the cheapest form of entertainment- the good-ol' kopitiam chitchat a.k.a. chui sui (direct translation: blow water)
Though it's fun, we do need the occasional trip to KL or Seremban or (updated!) Putrajaya to keep our needs satisfied. Remember Maslow's Theory? We all have needs that have to be fulfilled for optimum motivation(in this case, to motivate us for our studies :P).
On another (more serious) matter,
I'm in a quandary It's a direct toss-up between the University of Leeds and Birmingham. Who to choose?? The offer letters are all in. I've narrowed it down to this two. Cardiff accepted me into its SECOND year. WTH.. I'm already in my second year, so ...bah..
Going to Leeds will be slightly cheaper because of its bursaries. Birmingham has higher requirements (which I am optimistically confident in fulfilling) but higher fees even after discount when i stack them together.
As for the university environment... well, I receive different feedbacks from different people on both Universities. Don't look at me as if it's MY fault they are doing an Oballary where the "Hillary" side keeps escaping elimination by the skin of her teeth and the Obama side is constantly denied a confirmed victory.
Nevertheless, I have to finalize my decision on my firm and insurance choice by the end of next week. (actual due date is early June)
Best of luck for those who have taken their resits
and
Happy mother's day in advance!
Generally, the 5 days have been fairly relaxed. The lecturers are warming up to us, Mr M is as horny as ever, YM is self-praising again, *klok* shen lost his jersey (updated: AND shoes, just this morning), ass is still an ass, the flame is still burning, and my horrible haircut has officially been awarded the "Disaster" title.
Lots of people say things about studying here. Especially on the lack of entertainment outlets.
Yes, that is in a way, true as I am proud to point out that the closest mall equipped with a proper cinema is in Putrajaya's Alamanda. Then again, if you work out the math...
Inti, Nilai- Alamanda = 20 mins
Home- closest movie theatre = 20mins.
Home- movie theatres in KL that we usually go for a sit-in = 35mins
Entertainment isn't THAT far away.
Besides that, the distance just gives us the perfect excuse to save petrol, time and energy while indulging ourselves in the cheapest form of entertainment- the good-ol' kopitiam chitchat a.k.a. chui sui (direct translation: blow water)
Though it's fun, we do need the occasional trip to KL or Seremban or (updated!) Putrajaya to keep our needs satisfied. Remember Maslow's Theory? We all have needs that have to be fulfilled for optimum motivation(in this case, to motivate us for our studies :P).
On another (more serious) matter,
I'm in a quandary It's a direct toss-up between the University of Leeds and Birmingham. Who to choose?? The offer letters are all in. I've narrowed it down to this two. Cardiff accepted me into its SECOND year. WTH.. I'm already in my second year, so ...bah..
Going to Leeds will be slightly cheaper because of its bursaries. Birmingham has higher requirements (which I am optimistically confident in fulfilling) but higher fees even after discount when i stack them together.
As for the university environment... well, I receive different feedbacks from different people on both Universities. Don't look at me as if it's MY fault they are doing an Oballary where the "Hillary" side keeps escaping elimination by the skin of her teeth and the Obama side is constantly denied a confirmed victory.
Nevertheless, I have to finalize my decision on my firm and insurance choice by the end of next week. (actual due date is early June)
Best of luck for those who have taken their resits
and
Happy mother's day in advance!
Friday, May 02, 2008
心事
我始终不明白为什么我这么固执…
而会想起时把它整整地
再琢磨琢磨
后悔又在脑海中浮现。
人家叫我不要去做的事儿,
也明知道做了会对本身有害无穷, 我更是硬着头皮要去干。
最近比较烦
不管是去到遥远的热浪岛或在自己家的屋顶下
怎么也逃不过心里的那个障碍
不单单是为了它, 也为了当时还没揭晓的考试成绩。
话说回来
可能是戏看太多了, 知道永远的逃避不是办法
要勇敢地面对事实才对!
可是…
实在是太难了
难得。。。我宁愿喝下这一辈子的苦茶。
别说别人,
我本身也经常问自己
这么傻
为了是什么?
就为了那溪小小的希望
哎.. 第一次用方块字来写部落,既然写到心里酸酸的。
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