Just a thought: House

Is it me or did it just get colder in here?

We live in a forgivable world. An extremely kind place where little wrongs will be righted after time erodes away all emotions. What I've done yesterday, oh, say LIE to someone's face, will not be punished because I lied too well and feel no remorse over it because it wasn't something big. This is strictly an example, of course, as I don't buy the notion that I'm a compulsive liar. White lies, I do, occasionally.

Bollocks. Sleep-deprivation is getting to my head.

Watching House MD episodes these days have become a whole different experience altogether compared to when it just started off a long way back. Thing about it now is that you can experience 1 of 2 things. BOREDOM. Or sympathy + a little twinkle of awe.

Sometimes, it works wonders as a lullaby where you'll go 10 minutes into it and doze off. Other times, you can practically feel the pain in House's eyes as he limps away from the happy couple that could have been him and her. His emotions are finally on the surface, or at least it appears to be so. It can be so depressing watching it play out.

Talking to the penguins

Ask me what I was doing 11 hours ago, I'd say..

"Sleeping"

"10 hours ago?"

"Snoozing."

"You mean you were sleeping at 2pm. On a weekday."

"Yes"

9 hours ago...

While cleaning the kitchen, Quang and I did nothing gloriously interesting unless you count the frantic resistance we got from the stove surface. We reached a truce in the end with 80% of the dirt removed. In other words, (or as I'd put it) "Screw it!".

8 hours ago...

Realized how much I want to just sulk in my room and be forever left alone to my machinations. Not that I have much to offer the world besides a load of rhetoric and a pitiful jarful of knowledge about this and that.

5 hours ago...

Meat. Squishing em and adding chunks of boiled potatoes. Frying meatballs. MMmmmm. This'll taste so good with Mayo. Coated with a thin layer of flour (Germ's tip).

4 hours ago...

This tastes like HEAVEN with mayo!

2 hours ago...

Conversation was spoken in Mandarin with lots of words unsuitable for children, so I improvised...

Cz: "STUPID penguin! What's with your tiny hands?! How are you supposed to swim with those pitifully sized flaps?"

Penguin: ...

Cz: "What are YOU looking at? Can't take criticism? Now don't get me started on that ridiculous pouch you have. What's it for? You're not a kangaroo. Or are you just confused?!"

Penguin: ...

Me: "Come on... don't make fun of my penguin."

Cz: "What, I can't make fun of your FAT and STINKY penguin now? It IS really fat AND stinky you know."

Me: "One more word and it'll probably go to your room and sh*t over your face when you're asleep."

*this went on for abit....

Me: "Er, cz, I think we should stop talking to my laundry basket now... this feels weird."

Now, distract me

You should never dismiss dreams simply because they are absurd. They are if anything, the lousiest at predicting the future. On the other hand, once in a blue moon, you'll get one that just hits you hard in the head with the weirdest of weird things. That, my friend, is probably your brain- as I've discovered.. a little too late- trying to ground you to reality, to warn you of an impending doomsday of your own creation.

...

Was it because of the rapid and frequent exchanges over the grape vine?

Was it because of the unforeseen gust of wind that swept through the South China Sea?
Or it could simply be caused by magic tricks, an illusion conjured up by my own over-imaginative mind.

Time and time again, I have proven that the more you search for something, the more elusive it gets. This example isn't going anywhere near to breaking the mould.

Foolhardiness, perhaps, made the fall inevitable. I will now conform myself to the norms of this skewed social dogma and here's all the best to fellow singletons.

*throws in the towel with angst*

Resolve it now

I remember September. This bloke who was filled with hope and life, impatient and raring to go. There were dreams to pursue, promises (made to myself) to fulfil.

Fast forward to January, 2010 (What bloody happened to 2009?):

I'm sitting here doubting every step I've taken since returning to Leeds. Nothing seems to fit in this frame. Puzzle pieces that seemed perfect for each other now butt each other out on the edges. The planned path which seemed destined to end in a promised land has now gone awry. The fact that every inch of me wants one question answered: "What happened?", just sums up the sentiment shared by my half-dead cactus, Doreen the Cyclamen plant and myself.

On one front, the idea of fighting for the cause I believe in so dearly had simply stopped dead in its tracks. The brilliant ideas, crazy outlandish wishful thinking have resulted in a heap of mess on which I will bear full responsibility. Fear has gripped me from the inside, killing off the last drop of optimism.

Still, a part of me- the stubborn part, which usually takes the flak for most mis-steps, mind you- wants to soldier on. No, not only does it want to soldier on, it wants the original idea to be executed. It wants not only for the endeavour to go ahead, but also for it to achieve a success that will be pleasantly memorable to all witnesses.

The academic line is not doing too good either. I have experienced more difficulty in the preparation for this examination than all of last year's combined. The weakness lies not in the modules' level of difficulty but instead in the lack of will power.

I have done some people wrong by believing that it was the RIGHT thing to do. Now I'm not so sure any more. These wrongs have manifested themselves in nagging guilt that continues to eat at my insides every day. Facing these issues head on seems out of the question now that I've gone past what I perceive as the point of no return.

Or have I?

The problem with all this soul-searching and second guessing is that I am only ONE mind. Oh right, that's what friends are for. Then again, how can aid arrive if the entry gates to this disaster zone remain shut, padlocked and guarded with armed forces?

Despite all that's been said and done, the fact of the matter is that something better change and change soon, as the repercussions of this "hide and sulk in a corner" gameplan will be severe.

Exams and the path of destruction it leaves behind

Got caught in a little celebrity crush lately. Bad timing, seriously.

You know that something's gone amiss when you are supposed to sit for an exam paper less than 24 hours away and there is still time for leisure reading. Not just ANY leisure reading, but one which involves perusal of articles worth 3-google search pages of links, dug out from the depths of our well of internet archives.

______________________

The paper today went alright, although it could have been better. I am, of course, lying through my teeth. A white lie (the one that's- forgivably- morally less wrong, whatever that means). One which is hatched from the argument that telling people about how well or bad the exam's gone would jinx the result.

Yes, you read it right. JINX.

I am pretty confident that my mental capabilities have not dwindled to the very measurable size of a pea, nor has it splatted itself flat and far beyond the realms of our humanly limits. Yet, you've just read that I believe that speaking the truth about the exams will "magically" alter the course of exam evaluations and marking by the high standards of our university's esteemed professors. (Personally, I can picture them having a chat with their spouse on the mobile while marking the paper of an unfortunate student, "... the letters are in the 2nd drawer darling, OH, and don't forget my toothbrush while you're there. OUCH*"... and spilling coffee all over the sheets of answer paper).

Of course I don't believe in taboo and all that nonsense. Not within the four walls of a lecture hall, I don't. The reason for what appears to be blatant superstitious actions on my behalf lies in the fact that I believe it is best just to give a non-definitive answer. An answer which will not put unnecessary pressure on you to get a good result from water that has already flowed under the bridge. It's done! You've already sat for the paper. No matter what answer you give your parents, your coursemate, your dog, your plant, it won't change a thing. So instead of lifting the hopes of mama and papa or opening yourself to that deploring "pity-look" from your mate, the option of saying "It went alright I guess" would do the trick for me.

OR..

..you could just tell the truth and live with the self-pressuring; but what can I say, old habits die hard.

Confession(s)

Prelude: 2009 proved to be a year when I participated and failed at all levels of socializing.

It's late.

Because it's late, one key functions of the brain, namely the FILTER, has ceased to operate. This, as I (who am now filterless) see it, is an opportunity never to be missed, to divulge a few secrets and confess to misconducts and accidents that I've swept under the rug. As confessions come a-splutter, saliva and muck and all included, I should warn that there will be quite a number of tie-in apologies. Hopefully it isn't TOO late for some.

Sorry Zehan, cus I didn't go fix your comp... I feel damn guilty now :(. It was part laziness and part forgetfulness which got the better of me.

Sorry AM cus I didn't do the apologizing I needed to do a long time ago and it's probably too late now.

I talked silly about a couple of people who, frankly speaking, did nothing criminally wrong except piss the ratshit out of me. I realize now that it was a mistake. Terrible Quiwan.

I ignored good advice from good friends and took some lousy ones. Blame stooopidity.

Didn't do my dissertation 1 more sem to go.

Pulled out of a venture which was starting to look promising. Could've done too much damage... There's probably more damage beneath the veneer.

Used Quang's garlic without asking.

Used Jerm's honey w/o permission.

Used CZhong's er.. milk? maybe.. can't remember.

Grew fatter.

Lazier

Crap... What am I doing.

Bedtime!!!

A weekend in Glasgow- Part 1 of 2

A virgin express chugs its way through the Lake District, Glasgow Central bound. In the quiet of coach A, a similar noise is emanating from a certain someone's stomach. Next to this embodiment of discomfort sat yours truly who was, more than anything, looking forward to escape from the boiling Tomyam hotpot that was Leeds. Spicy and exciting, it makes you want more even though too much of it would result in the development of irregular bowel movements. Some people who are currently based in Leeds might beg to differ, but alas, they do not share the sentiment of those who are juggling too many eggs at once. In the end, Leeds, a.k.a. loidis (as good-ol' wiki claims), can be a little too spicy sometimes. This also depends on the city dwellers themselves, regardless if they're temporary or permanent ones. Though, it should be safe to assume that the latter would most certainly have it dull than filled with a parasitic mess which somehow passed through the home office's filter and made their nests here as students.

Putting the strained relationship between the university and its surrounding community aside, lets return to the Glasgow trip:

The train ride which did not have free wifi (!!!!) disappointed me. It was much more on the account my expectations which are, forgivably, accustomed to the comfortable ride on the East Coast National Express (to and from London) that caused my dislike rather than the train itself.

Or perhaps, I'm being kind to the lousy train service.

For one thing, I know for certain that the secondary school science teacher beside me would very much like to second that statement. Half of the time, her head would be slumped on her pile of exam papers, hands dangling on on the sides. After one nauseating train ride, we pulled into Glasgow Central, accepting the city's greeting as we disembarked- its wintery chill. Yi Shan (or Bella)- our host for the weekend- arrived shortly to bring us to her humble abode.

A pub dinner was arranged as we ambled down the gridded streets of this city. Once known as the "workshop for the (British) empire", Glasgow is the home of many cultures brought in by then-immigrants from Italy, Ireland, India and other South Asian countries generations before. Taking into consideration this little fact-bite, we noticed the obvious Scottish-Italian and (on the last day) Irish influence on its people and streets. We had our first meal at a pub called "The Goose", shrugged off the prospect of "enjoying" the supposedly happening nightlife there, went back and watched "Paranormal Activities" in Yishan's HUGE room (It was probably 3 times the size of mine).

Saturday:

Woke up to some hurried shuffling of feet (I slept in a sleeping bag, on a duvet on the floor) and realized, from the urgency of their voices, that they were going to miss the tour bus if they don't hurry. This my friends- Alarm clock snoozed + tiring night before + lack of will to leave the sheets- is the typical occurrence in the life of Quiwan. Only this time, surprisingly, I wasn't the one who was rushing.

As Yishan had plans with her uni mates for a game of paintball in the outskirts of the city, I kindly declined her offer on the premise that a game of paintball is lower on the priority list at that moment. So right, I set out to explore as much as the city as possible. Took about 20 minutes to get to the information centre across the road from George Square. Proceeded to the Modern Art Museum which, as intriguing as it was with the traffic cone-wearing statue outside its front door, wasn't my cup of tea. The people's palace and winter gardens was next on my itinerary. This time, it was truly an enjoyable amble through the park and its museum. The life history of the city since the early 1900s was that of a tale of social and economic woes and ingenuity. The highlights of the museum would be an exhibition on the workers' union and how they literally took over the shipyard in an unprecedented move to fight for their survival. Traditionally, Glaswegians have been known for their tendency to support left-wing ideas and politics because of its huge industrial sector back in its heyday, hence, its active people/workers/women's rights movement. I'm going to stop myself here before I bore you to sleep... OK laarh, I'll post some pictures :P.

To be continued in Part2..

Inside People's Palace and winter gardens:-

Revival

I am sitting in the dark.

It's 7.19am, 3rd January 2010. Yes, 20-friggin-10, thinking about the choices I've made and the shitty roads I've taken that's gotten me nowhere. The possibility of me treading on one right is quite high too... *sigh*... but today's post will not be about regrets and the thorns that they are in my heart; neither will today's post be about not letting an opportunity fly by without me catching hold of it.

No, this post is about commitment to the NEW (Belated) resolution of 2010 :P (and a little bit of fox watching too!)

After quite a number of suggestions,

notably the one that goes something along the lines of: "My resolution is to fulfil last year's resolution!" Or the one that goes "This year's resolution would be to make a new resolution for next year!"

I have drafted, for once, a proper and (semi-)organized checklist which consists of 25 boxes that needs "checking".

In the world of Academia, it is obvious what I'd like to achieve. Will be glad but obviously, it isn't the MOST important thing.

Under the Social umbrella, there's the little one about getting out more in the dating scene... *no comment on this one*

Skills would be one of the main focuses this year, with a number of resolute resolutions pinpointing the flaws I'd like to see corrected and the new trades I'd like to ply.

Before this sounds more like the 2010 national budget than it already is (draped with a veil of hope, yet disappointingly vague), I'd like to also make it clear that this blog will not be shut despite my lousy record during the past 2 months in terms of posts. In its stead, a renewed commitment to see that I will not let the Quiwan of 2003-2008 down.

Resolutions aside, Quang and I were fox-watching earlier, staring as the creature with its beautiful coat of fur trotted across the snow-veneered pavements right outside my window. I scrambled for a camera to no avail, and relied on my ridiculously unreliable Samsung phone to snap a blur photo of our little furry nightcrawler. It wasn't our first sighting either: We've seen it twice before this, a couple of months back. It has grown if you asked me. Just makes me wonder how it manages to pull through winter and the foodless streets of Leeds.

Before my eyelids give in, here's a NEW YEAR's wish to everyone:

HAPPY 2010! May the new year be full of pleasant surprises and may it also usher in a period of smooth-sailing for all!!